I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
