Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
