she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
