I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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