what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
