I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i will never coherently bang her
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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