I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
