drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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