Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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