so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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