I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
