I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
