Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
