Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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