and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
