the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
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