it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
porn star boner night. come get it.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
