can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
