Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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