I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
