He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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