can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
