I murdered the dance floor call the cops
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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