I accidentally burped into my bong.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
