woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
