Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
