I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
