Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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