i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
