PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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