Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
