I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
