Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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