You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
