I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
