Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
