I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
