he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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