My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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