my phone needs a breathalizer
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
