...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
