Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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