got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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