We won't sleep together?
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
