I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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