Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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