whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
