This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
