please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Never joke about your clitoris.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
