My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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