it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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