You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
