hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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