I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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